This is My Story

For years, I have felt this "nudge" from God to write my story, but I kept putting it off. This week, I attended a bible study at Hawthorne Gospel Church and I was asked by one of the teachers if I would share my testimony the following day. I knew it had to come from God and I believe He led me to write my story. This is not really about me, instead, it is about my Faithful God, my "Abba", my Father, and His hands working throughout my life. I am boasting in Him and Him alone. Tomorrow, I turn 45 yrs. old. Yet, my spiritual rebirth happened in March 2001.

This is My Story:

It all started before I was even born. God knew me and had good thoughts and good plans for me, even before He knitted me in my Mother’s womb (Psalm 139). I am the 6th of 6 kids. My Mom was forced to marry my Dad who was a Doctor, over someone she was truly in love with that was a Farmer’s son. My Dad was an abuser, an alcoholic, a gambler and a womanizer. Shortly after my oldest sister was born, my Mom found out that my father had been cheating on her and has been having sexual relationships with other women and even got them pregnant. One of them was adopted by my Mom to protect my Dad’s name from the public eye since he was running for a political position at that time. My Dad regularly tormented and tortured my Mom mentally. There were times when he would come home drunk, force us to line up in front of him, while he placed a revolver on my Mom’s head and pretend to pull the trigger. To this day, no one knows if there were bullets in that gun. After 3 yrs. of abuse, my Mom decided to leave him but somehow my Dad managed to bring us all back home with him using his power and charms. Shortly thereafter, my Mom had lost hope and decided to end her life. Three times she tried to kill herself just to find herself in the hospital being revived. She finally managed to leave him for good, finding herself working 3 jobs, trying to raise 6 kids on her own. If she had been successful with her suicide attempt, I wouldn’t be here telling you my story today.

Fast forward to 19 yrs. later, I met a handsome Muslim man. We fell in love immediately and we decided to marry after knowing each other only for 2 wks. Within a year, I conceived and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. My first born. I was a Catholic Christian and didn’t really think of the consequences related to marrying a Muslim. Our marriage was going well until he was told that his father was dying and that he had to fly back home to Kuwait immediately. I was 2 mos. pregnant at the time he left, and when he came back to US again, our baby boy was already 2 mos. old. My terror started when he decided to go back to US and said we were all going to move to Kuwait and make that our home. He was just like any ordinary man while he lived here in US, but something about him changed when we moved to Kuwait. Suddenly, he became a religious fanatic. He wouldn’t allow me to celebrate my birthday, my child’s birthday, and of course, Christmas or Easter. Instead, we celebrated their holidays like, Ramadan, El Id which involved fasting and praying from sunset to sunrise. I tried to cope with everything but I found myself feeling depressed each day. Finally, I asked my husband then if we can go back to America. His response to me was: “You can go back yourself but you cannot take my son.” I have no other explanation how we were able to get out of there except that, God had to be with me and my child.

My ex-husband and I ended up filing for a divorce when I returned to America. He abandoned us and didn’t want to have anything to do with me nor our son. My son is now 24 yrs. old. Six yrs. ago, doctors have told me that my son is suffering from a Bipolar Disorder. A year later, that diagnosis became Schizophrenic and a year later was changed to Schizoaffective Disorder. For about 5 yrs., my son has been in many mental hospitals, group homes, Day centers for mentally ill and most recently ended up in a State Psychiatric Hospital. I have been in many emergency rooms in different parts of the country. I have spoken to so many professionals and doctors. I have spent so much money trying to find the right cure, the right drug, the right doctor and facility for my son. I had lost my hope and that is when I turned to God. I was mad at Him at first. I had that self-pity talk with Him, like Job did. This happened one night after leaving my son in a mental hospital in Sacramento, CA. I cried and cried out to God. I asked Him why was He doing this to me? Why me? Why my son? Haven't I been a good mother? Haven't I been a good person? Didn’t I live a pretty good life? That is when I had that encounter with the loving God I thought I knew, and I have experienced peace in His presence throughout this turmoil. He said, “Do not worry, do not be afraid, because I will heal your son.” My son accepted Jesus in his heart 5 yrs. later and a transformation started happening with him. He is no longer that man that was constantly tortured and tormented by the evil spirits. I never thought that my son would be able to live a normal life again. Today, he works on weekends at A&P while he goes to school on weekdays to become a Medical Assistant. He still needs our prayers. Please, if you remember us, lift him up to the Lord and ask God to cover him with His most precious blood all the days of his life.

I am remarried to an Italian man and have been married to him for 16 yrs. While he is a Catholic christian, I believe God will save him someday, in His perfect time. I currently serve at First Choice Women’s Resource Center in Montclair, NJ and I am a counselor helping teenagers and women in crisis. I also recently attended a seminar called "Jesus for Muslims" and I feel that God is using me and my experience to help others and ultimately lead them to the Lord. I don’t know if the Lord has other purpose and plans for my life but I, by His grace, am under His care, and looking to His guidance for everything.

In closing, I want to share my life Scripture with you:

"In all your circumstances, thank Him because this is His will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thess. 5:18)

The Voice of Truth

The voice of truth tells me a different story... The voice of truth says "Do not be afraid"... The voice of truth says "This is for My Glory"... Out of all the voice that's calling out to me, I will choose to listen to the The Voice of Truth!

This song came to mind after attending a bible study this morning.

I have a confession to make. You see, last night, I entertained Satan's lies about me and my family and I got so depressed. He got to me. I know that Satan is the Father of lies and I have read that during my weekly devotions but yet, I fell for his lies again!

Praise God that "He who is in me is greater than He who is the world"! God, in His mercy, after crying out to Him last night, gave me His response the following morning at a bible study!

I was in awe and full of joy and my eyes got so teary, as the person who lead the study said: "If we are in Christ, He will speak to us and we will hear His voice." She said, "Satan wants to destroy us, our families and our loved ones, while God wants us to prosper." She said many other things, and quoted many other Scriptures, and I knew them all well, but hearing this from someone just when I needed it the most, was a heart felt statement, since I knew for sure that was my Father speaking through this person to me.

It's true, my God was talking to me but I chose to listen to the wrong voice - the voice who said, "You will never have peace.... Your son will never be anything.... You will always have problems.... and Your life will always be miserable." I should have listened to Him who said, in a gentle voice: "My plans for you are good and not of evil, plans to prosper you, to give you a future and a hope..." (Jer. 29:11)...

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever things are just and whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things." (Phil. 4:8)

I need to remember these Scriptures and I need to hold every thought captive and lay it at the foot of the Cross! Jesus died so I can have an abundant life! Jesus, our Lord Jesus.... He is the voice of truth!